


Castiel Novak Has Some Regrets

by MalMuses



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coda, Destiel - Freeform, Fix-It, M/M, One Shot, season 12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-18 13:02:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14213724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MalMuses/pseuds/MalMuses
Summary: Hello humans, here is a quick one-shot, fix-it style fic that I wrote as a sequel scene to the end of ‘Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets’ from Season 12. It can pretty much be read as a continuation from where the episode ended, Coda-like.It also puts a different spin on that moment two eps later when Cas comes out with his ‘I love you’ directed towards Dean, who can’t even look  and then ‘I love you all’. It can shine a slightly different light on a lot of things after that point, which is why I wanted to write it!Anyways. Enjoy, please feel free to message me or comment or say hi in any way!





	Castiel Novak Has Some Regrets

 

Sam Winchester knotted his fingers together, reaching up above his head in a stretch. He sat in the War Room of the Bunker, feet up on a chair in front of him. Nearby at the same table, his little family chatted and drank, as they had been for a few hours. His brother was mid-sentence, animatedly waving his beer bottle as he spoke.

“Honestly Cas, I wish you’d been there. Freaking  _superglue_.” Dean nodded over to where Sam was stretching.

“Now hang on a minute…” Sam sat forward, grinning as he joined the story. “You have no idea how annoying he was being Cas. He deserved it!”

The dark-haired angel relaxing with them reached to open another beer, adding his empty bottle to the large collection on the table in front of him. “Oh, I think I have an idea, Sam.” He chuckled easily, giving Dean a glance out of the corner of his eye. “He annoys me constantly.”

“Hey! I’m a goddamn delight, don’t you forget it!” Dean retorted, flicking his bottle cap at Castiel.

Sam rolled his shoulders as he stood out of his chair. “I can’t believe Dean never told you that story, Cas.” He grinned, lightly shoving his brother in the shoulder as he stepped past him.

It had turned out to be a great evening, just chilling out in the bunker, sharing a few beers. Or a lot, in Cas’s case – not that he was any more than the tiniest bit buzzed, Sam guessed. 

The day’s events had been rough. Ishim’s words about the angel had lingered heavily between them all when they initially returned home. There seemed to have been an unspoken agreement after their initial discussion to let the important topics go for the night and just take the evening to breathe.

Looking around as Dean leaned forward in his seat, angling himself towards the angel as he began to tell another tale from the epic prank wars the two Winchesters had engaged in a few years prior, a smile tugged at the corner of Sam’s mouth. These in between moments, the held breaths between days, gave him pause to remember that he really did enjoy his life. Despite his initial reluctance to take up the hunter mantle all those years ago… this had become what he loved. His work, his calling… his brother, his friend. Looking between Dean and Cas as they talked, the smile came again. He was glad they had this – whatever this was… their close friendship that Sam had occasionally suspected was something more, though he had no proof.

“I’m going to hit my bunk, guys. Some of us plan on being up and running in the morning.” He eyed the seven or so beer bottles in front of Dean. “ _Some of us_ ,” he reiterated with a chuckle, grabbing a couple of them to take to the kitchen with him.

Following Sam’s look, Dean faced him with a shit-eating grin. “Don’t worry Sammy… even if I was sober, I still wouldn’t be up running.”

Laughing, Sam rolled his eyes at the truth of it. “Night Cas.” He nodded to the angel, stepping away.

“Goodnight, Sam.” Cas nodded in return. Downing the rest of the beer he held, the angel tapped on the neck of the bottle. “Another, Dean? Or are you going to bed too?”

Dean reached up, rubbing his hand over his face. “Sam’s right, I probably had enough….” He seemed reluctant.

Cas held his gaze for a moment, his hand paused on top of the unopened beer he held. “Your choice.”

Deans smile was slow, thoughtful. “I guess one more won’t make much difference at this point.”

Grinning, Cas flicked the cap off the bottle and handed it over. “That sounds more like the Dean I know.”

“Why go to sleep when the company is so good, huh buddy?” Dean kicked his feet up on the table, grinning back at the angel, before his eyes slipped off thoughtfully into the distance, resting on air.

The silence that fell around them was comfortable, after years of practice.  Cas’s brilliant blue eyes, lit with comfort and happiness and not a little beer, rested on Dean’s hands as he picked idly at the label on his beer bottle. He let what he felt was an appropriate number of minutes carefully pass before he spoke.

“So, are you going to tell me what’s bothering you, Dean?” Bringing his gaze up to the oldest Winchester’s face, he observed Dean’s slight surprise – passing quickly into a chuckle.

“No fooling you is there,” Dean responded, his lip quirking in a slightly disapproving smile as he shook his head.

“No Dean, there isn’t.” Cas’s intonation was perfectly serious.

At Dean’s raised eyebrow, the angel sighed.

“Really, Dean. You’re drinking at two and one third times the rate your brother is. Your heart rate keeps periodically peaking and you keep gazing off into space between conversation. I don’t need to read your mind to know you’re caught up in your thoughts. Something Ishim said today bothered you, I think. So, what is it?”

A small sigh. Dean’s tongue popped out, catching Cas’s eye as it worried almost imperceptibly at his bottom lip.

The quiet stretched on, but Cas just waited.  _I’ve watched glaciers recede and yet somehow this seems slower_ , he considered somewhat saltily. _If I have the good manners not to read his mind he could at least hurry up_. The angel gave just a little mental shake at his own agitation, being careful not to show Dean he was growing impatient.

Eventually, Dean’s weight shifted forward and he rested his forearms on his knees, half-empty beer bottle held between both hands.

“Cas, do you remember…when Naomi had control over you? When you finally broke through it, before you took off with the angel tablet?”

“Of course.” The Seraphim blinked, seemingly surprised by Dean’s abrupt recollection of the event years past.

“Do you remember what I said?”

 _I remember almost every word spoken in my presence since my Father gathered my light into form,_  Castiel thought grumpily.  _Of course I remember what you said_. 

He mentally caught himself, chastising himself even though he hadn’t said a thing. _That’s not fair. Dean can’t comprehend such things….and why am I so prickly today anyway?_ He sighed, reaching up to pinch briefly at the bridge of his nose with a forefinger and thumb. _I guess Ishim really did get to me too._

His thoughts passing in the blink of an eye, all Cas said to Dean was “Of course.”

There was a pause where Dean did not respond at all. Cas could see his apprehension; more than that he knew his friend well and his avoidance of emotional responses was deeply ingrained.  He could sense this was one of those times.

“You said that you needed me.” Cas prompted quietly after another minute, trying to gently help his Winchester along.

“I wanted to say something else. Something more.” Dean mumbled, his attention still down on the floor between his knees. When he raised his expression to Cas, it was almost accusatory. “You knew.”

Cas nodded almost imperceptibly, feeling a prickle of heat at his vessels cheeks. “Yes.”

Leaning back in his chair, Dean took another swig of beer, nodding to himself. “Right. So you knew and you never said anything about it.”

Cas opened his mouth, a wrinkle at his brow making him look almost angry for a moment. He closed it, sealing his lips tight again without saying anything. When his gaze did drop from Dean, it was tinged with shame.

Dean leaned forward again, wrists on knees. His constant shifting was mildly irritating, even to him, but it seemed to be helping him get his words out – and Chuck knows, Dean Winchester needed all the help he could get with that.

“I always assumed you didn’t say anything because….” Dean swept his hand vaguely in front of himself, gesturing between the two of them, but mostly to himself it seemed. “Because you didn’t feel the same.”

Dean licked his lips nervously after his spoke, the quiet words as close as he’d come to an actual confession of his feelings for the angel that went through life by his side. Pursing his lips, he looked up bravely from his beer bottle to Cas, holding his green gaze steady on his face.

 _He looks….. sad._ Dean registered.

Cas shifted uncomfortably in his seat, now his gaze in turn was glued to the floor. The small shake of his head side to side was hard to catch, but it was enough to move the conversation along, at least.

“There were other times too.” Dean stated.

The angels nod to show he knew what Dean meant was bigger this time, and Dean noticed him biting down slightly on his bottom lip, even if his eyes stayed on the floor.

“Today though… no. Actually, Ishim wasn’t the first to make me wonder. There were other times. But the things that Ishim said….” Shaking his head, Dean’s attention heads up to the ceiling now, exhaling slowly as he pressed his bottom lip down onto his teeth with the tip of his tongue for just a moment. “It made me wonder if that wasn’t actually the reason you never said anything.”

Cas looked up then, Dean looked down. Their eyes met green to blue and locked magnetically in the middle as Dean finished his little speech. “It made me wonder if maybe all this time, I wasn’t imagining it all, if it wasn’t just me. Maybe all this time you were just scared.”

Cas exhaled slowly, a practice Dean knew was more from habit than necessity, and his shoulders slumped in defeat. Very slowly his eyes lowered from Deans. It almost looked like he was curling in on himself, a barely detectible flush at his cheeks.

“You’re right Dean. I was scared.” The angel’s voice grew firmer as he brought his hands together, lacing his fingers together in the space between his knees. “I am scared.”

Dean blinked, his mouth falling open slightly.  _Oh._  He thought. He was honestly better equipped to deal with Cas dismissing the topic or saying he was wrong, than for this.

“Heaven has rules, Dean….. not just rules _, laws._  You know what happened to me after I met you, Dean.” Cas continues doggedly now, his voice raising with something that could be called frustration. “Why I first fell. Emotions, Dean. I expressed emotions and feelings, because of you-“

Cas’s blue eyes blazed as he caught Dean’s gaze again, but he barreled on, picking up steam.

“ _For you_. I didn’t just fall because of you, I fell _for you_. But Heaven’s law’s, Dean… they aren’t just about control. I have a lot of regrets about my fear, Dean… but there are reasons, good reasons, why we shouldn’t…” He cleared his throat very briefly, catching himself. His fist balled, and he brought it down to the arm of his chair with a thump. “Why humans and angels should remain…. Separate.”

Dean tilted his head at the seraphim’s sigh. To his credit he said nothing, folding his arms across his chest as he held Cas’s gaze unflinchingly and let him speak.

“It’s not all about Nephilim, Dean.”

“Well, yeah. Clearly that wouldn’t have been a problem for us.” Deans smirk seemed out of place in the conversation, but Cas ignored it and continued.

“Angels aren’t equipped for those kinds of human emotions, Dean. Some of them refer to humans as nothing more than insects, as ants, but they are the ones that follow blindly in line – that must have order, must be lead.”

If Dean noticed that Cas said ‘them’ rather than ‘us’, he wisely made no mention, just nodding almost imperceptibly as the angel went on.

“When angels experience Earth, Dean… they have a tendency to be overwhelmed, to say the least.  I’m sure you’ve noticed the habits in almost any angel that spends time down here. We have obsessive personalities, I suppose. We’re told to stay away from humans, not only because we can hurt them or because an abomination could be created, Dean. We’re also told to stay away because humans are no good for us. They can change us, as you did me, expose us to emotions and doubt… and in turn our very selves can be a danger, to us and to others. Lily Sunder told you Dean, she told you what Ishim did.”

Deans throat suddenly felt very dry and he struggled to clear it, reaching for the dregs from one of the beers on the table to moisten his tongue.

“If I had….” The sadness is creeping forward in Cas’s voice now, beginning to overtake the frustration. “If I had told you that I did, in fact, need you too. That I’d rather have you, too. Then you would have been endangered, from that moment. My biggest regret was never telling you, Dean, but I couldn’t. You’d have been hunted by every angel who could read my confession on your soul, by every demon so repulsed at what we were, even by other hunters, Dean.”

“And how is that different than any other day of the week?” It was almost a yell as Dean barked at the angel. “In case you haven’t noticed, I haven’t exactly had the safest life! All those things you said would hunt me? They already do Cas! They already hunt you too!”

“But I could have hurt you too, Dean!” Cas bites back, his blue eyes smoldering dangerously. “Don’t you _understand_ that? You saw Ishim. He’s not the only one. Feelings are too much for some angels. It’s a risk I can’t even begin to….” He signed then, finally seeming to run out of steam, rubbing a hand across his eyes as his head dropped down, finally breaking their confrontational stare. “If I’d have hurt you out of some twisted form of emotion Dean, I’d never have been able to forgive myself.”

Cas missed his wings. In that moment, he’d have given anything to be able to disappear. He eyed the distance between himself and the metal staircase leading to the bunker door, before internally dismissing the thought. You’re a coward, Castiel. His thoughts of escape, of freeing Dean from this conversation, were abruptly halted by the man’s hand coming to rest on his knee.

When Dean spoke, his tone was remarkably calm and Cas couldn’t make out his expression.

“So magically all those feelings went away? Because you didn’t tell me?”

Cas blinked. “No, of course not.”

“So what’s the difference in hiding it? If you were scared I’d be at risk  - from you – then surely I would have been regardless?”

Cas exhales again, his breath shaking now. It almost felt like he was losing control of his vessel, his reactions to the emotions just far too visceral and human. “I – I don’t know, Dean. I just couldn’t gamble on everything working out when the alternative is you dead or wounded or emotionally destroyed.”

“I understand about the other angels, Cas. I understand that they would have disapproved, and there’s danger in that, I get it. But you….” The hand at Castiel’s knee squeezed. “You underestimate yourself. You’re strong, Cas, and you’ve had a few years now here on Earth, learning how to safely experience emotions. Hell, you were human yourself once. I know the feelings….”

Dean stopped for a second, pausing to gather his thoughts so he could express everything he’d watched his friend struggle with.

“You have a lot of regrets, I know… and I know feelings still overwhelm you sometimes, Cas. That you don’t understand them because they aren’t logical. That emotions are scarier to you than a whole battlefield full of angels….and I get it, Cas. I do. I know you think I can’t possibly understand, but you’re my best friend – and one thing I can definitely tell you is that you’d never let yourself be like Ishim. Damnit Cas, you feel guilty enough about shit that happens to me that isn’t even your fault. You’d never let anything happen that actually was. And you haven’t, in all this time, even though your feelings didn’t change.”

A tiny smile came to Cas’s lips and for a moment he looked almost shy at Dean’s words.

“You flatter me Dean. Maybe you’re right. I hope so.” The angel placed his own hand over Dean’s on his knee, squeezing at it in thanks for his words.

“I know so, Cas. I have faith in you.” Dean sought Cas’s gaze, and held it.

“But there’s still a lot of inherent danger in this truth, Dean.” Cas’s voice was quiet, soft.  _Heartbroken,_ Dean thought.

He understood. He imagined his angel being hunted for his feelings, for daring to care for Dean, and it made him feel cold at the core. He wouldn’t put Cas at risk.

“Perhaps, for now…” Dean shuffled forward until he sat on the very edge of his chair, his knees bumping the angels as they faced each other. “Perhaps at least just knowing that we understand each other… maybe that can be enough.”

Gathering his bravery, Dean reached out to dance his fingers up the angel’s cheekbone, cupping his cheek even as Cas tilted his head into his touch, looking up at the hunter with an expression that spoke volumes about how much the small gesture meant to him.

Cas covered Dean’s hand with his own, turning to press his lips to his Winchester’s palm in a chaste, almost worshipful gesture. “It’s more than I deserve.”

“I won’t even tell Sam, Cas.” Dean expresses after a moment. “We’ll carry on our lives as we always have.” His voice carried a resigned, sad weight to it. “I’ll do that, maybe not to protect myself but to protect you.”

Cas’s cheeks flushed and he nodded. “Okay Dean. For now…. We just go on as we have. You with your hunting and car and women and burgers and me with my missions and search for purpose. As if we didn’t know… so that I can in turn protect you.”

“But we know.”

Their eyes held, electric, and their foreheads touched. Dean was aware of tears on his cheeks as his angel responded.

“Yes, Dean… we know.”


End file.
